What many people do not realize is that the core issue at the center of women’s empowerment is the mother wound.
Difficulty and challenges between mothers and daughters are rampant
and widespread but not openly spoken about. The taboo about speaking
about the pain of the mother wound is what keeps it in place and keeps
it hidden in shadow, festering and out of view.
What exactly is the mother wound?
The mother wound is the pain of being a woman passed down through
generations of women in patriarchal cultures. And it includes the
dysfunctional coping mechanisms that are used to process that pain.
The mother wound includes the pain of:
- Comparison: not feeling good enough
- Shame: consistent background sense that there is something wrong with you
- Attenuation: Feeling you must remain small in order to be loved
- Persistent sense of guilt for wanting more than you currently have
The mother wound can manifest as:
- Not being your full self because you don’t want to threaten others
- Having a high tolerance for poor treatment from others
- Emotional care-taking
- Feeling competitive with other women
- Self-sabotage
- Conditions such as eating disorders, depression and addictions
In our patriarchal, male-dominated culture women are conditioned to
think of themselves as “less-than” and not deserving or worthy. This
feeling of “less-than” has been internalized and passed down through
countless generations of women.
The cultural atmosphere of female oppression puts daughters in a “double bind.”
Simply put, if a daughter internalizes her mother’s unconscious
beliefs (which is some subtle form of “I’m not good enough”) then she
has her mother’s approval but has in some way betrayed herself and her
potential.
However, if she doesn’t internalize her mother’s unconscious beliefs
in her own limitations but rather affirms her own power and potential,
she is aware that her mother may unconsciously see this as a personal
rejection.
The daughter doesn’t want to risk losing her mother’s love and
approval, so internalizing these limiting, unconscious beliefs is a
form of loyalty and emotional survival for the daughter.
It may feel dangerous for a woman to actualize her full
potential because it may mean risking some form of rejection by her
mother.
This is because the daughter may unconsciously sense that her full
empowerment may trigger the mother’s sadness or rage at having had to
give up parts of herself in her own life. Her compassion for her mother,
a desire to please her, and a fear of conflict may cause her to
convince herself that it’s safer to shrink and remain small.
A common objection to facing the mother wound is to “Let the past be
in the past.” However, we never truly “escape” or bury the past. It
lives in the present as the obstacles and challenges that we face every
day. If we avoid dealing with the pain associated with one of THE most
primary and foundational relationships in our lives, we are missing a
pivotal opportunity to discover the truth of who we are and to
authentically and joyfully live that truth.
Stereotypes that perpetuate the mother wound:
- “Look at everything your mother did for you!” (from other people)
- “My mother sacrificed so much for me. I would be so selfish to do what she could not do. I don’t want to make her feel bad.”
- “I owe loyalty to my mother no matter what. If I upset her, she will think I don’t value her.”
The daughter may experience fears about fulfilling her potential
because she may fear leaving her mother behind. She may fear her mother
feeling threatened by her dreams or ambitions. She may fear
uncomfortable feelings from her mother such as envy or anger. All of
this is usually very unconscious and not openly acknowledged or talked
about.
We all have sensed the pain that our mothers carry.
And all of us are suspicious to some degree that we are partly to blame
for her pain. Therein lies the guilt. This makes sense when considering
the limited cognitive development of a child, which sees itself as the
cause of all things. If we don’t address this unconscious belief as an
adult, we may still be walking around with it and greatly limiting
ourselves as a result.
The truth is that no child can save her mother.
No sacrifice a daughter makes will ever be enough to compensate for
the high price her mother may have had to pay or for the losses she has
accrued over the years, simply by being a woman and mother in this
culture. And yet, this is what many women do for their mothers very
early on in childhood:
they
unconsciously make a decision to not abandon or betray their mothers by
becoming “too successful,” “too smart” or “too adventurous.” This decision is made out of love, loyalty and a true need for approval and emotional support from the mother.
Many of us confuse being loyal to our mothers with being loyal to their wounds, and thus, complicit in our own oppression.
These dynamics are very unconscious and they operate on a continuum.
Even the most healthy, supportive mother/daughter relationships may have
this dynamic to some degree by virtue of simply being women in this
society. And for daughters who have mothers with serious issues
(addictions, mental illness, etc.) the impact is can be very damaging
and insidious.
Mothers must take responsibility and grieve their losses.
Being a mother in our society is unspeakably difficult. I’ve heard
many women say “No one ever tells you how hard it is” and “Nothing
prepares you for when you get home with the baby and realize what is
being asked of you.” Our culture, especially the U.S., is very hard on
mothers, offering little support and many are raising children alone.
Our society’s unspoken messages to mothers:
- If motherhood is difficult then it’s your own fault.
- Shame on you if you’re not super-human.
- There are “natural mothers” for whom motherhood is easy. If you are not one of these, there is something deeply wrong with you.
- You’re supposed to be capable of handling it all with ease: having
well-behaved children, being sexually attractive, having a successful
career, and a solid marriage.
For mothers who have indeed sacrificed so much to have children in
our culture, it can truly feel like a rejection when your child
surpasses or exceeds the dreams you thought possible for yourself. There
may be a sense of feeling owed, entitled to or needing to be validated
by your children, which can be a very subtle but powerful manipulation.
This dynamic can cause the next generation of daughters to keep
themselves small so that their mothers can continue to feel validated
and affirmed in their identity as a mother, an identity that many have
sacrificed so much for, but received so little support and recognition
for in return.
Mothers may unconsciously project deep rage towards their children in subtle ways.
However, the rage really isn’t towards the children.
The rage is towards the patriarchal society that requires women to
sacrifice and utterly deplete themselves in order to mother a child.
And for a child who needs her mother, sacrificing herself in an
effort to somehow ease her mother’s pain is often a subconscious
decision made very early in life and not discovered as the cause of
underlying issues until much later when she is an adult.
The mother wound exists because there is not a safe place for mothers
to process their rage about the sacrifices that society has demanded of
them. And because daughters still unconsciously fear rejection for
choosing
not to make those same sacrifices as previous generations.
In our society, there is no safe place for a mother to vent her rage.
And so often it comes out unconsciously to one’s children. A daughter
is a very potent target for a mother’s rage because the daughter has not
yet had to give up her personhood for motherhood. The young daughter
may remind the mother of her un-lived potential. And if the daughter
feels worthy enough to reject some of the patriarchal mandates that the
mother has had to swallow, then she can easily trigger that underground
rage for the mother.
Of course every mother wants what is best for her daughter, without question.
However, if a mother has not dealt with her own pain or come to terms
with the sacrifices she has had to make, than her support for her
daughter may be laced with traces of messages that subtly instill shame,
guilt or obligation. They can seep out in the most benign situations,
usually in some form of criticism or some form of bringing praise back
to the mother. It’s not usually the content of the statement, but rather
the energy with which it is conveyed that can carry hidden resentment.
The
way for a mother to prevent directing her rage to her daughter and
passing down the mother wound, is for the mother to fully grieve and
mourn her own losses. And to make sure that she is not relying on her daughter as her main source of emotional support.
Mothers must mourn what they had to give up, what they wanted but
will never have, what their children can never give them and the
injustice of their situation. However, as unjust and unfair as it is, it
is
not the responsibility of the daughter to make
amends for the mother’s losses or to feel obligated to sacrifice herself
in the same ways. For mothers, It takes tremendous strength and
integrity to do this. And mothers need support in this process.
Mothers liberate their daughters when they consciously process
their own pain without making it their daughter’s problem. In this
way, mothers free their daughters to pursue their dreams without guilt,
shame or a sense of obligation.
When mothers unwittingly cause their daughters to feel responsible for their losses and to share in their pain, it creates a
dysfunctional enmeshment,
reinforcing the daughter’s view that she is not worthy of her dreams.
And this supports a daughter’s view that her mother’s pain must somehow
be her fault. This can cripple her in so many ways.
For daughters growing up in a patriarchal culture, there is a sense of having to choose between being empowered and being loved.
Most daughters choose to be loved instead of empowered because there
is an ominous sense that being fully actualized and empowered may cause a
grave loss of love from important people in their lives, specifically
their mothers. So women stay small and un-fulfilled, unwittingly passing
the mother wound to the next generation.
As a woman, there is a vague but powerful sense that your empowerment
will injure your relationships. And women are taught to value
relationships over everything else. We cling to the crumbs of our
relationships, while our souls may be deeply longing for the fulfillment
of our potential. But the truth is that our relationships alone can
never adequately substitute for the hunger to live our lives fully.
The power dynamic at the center of the mother/daughter
relationship is a taboo subject and the core issue at the center of the
mother wound.
Much of this goes underground because of the many
taboos and stereotypes about motherhood in this culture:
- Mothers are always nurturing and loving
- Mothers should never feel angry or resentful towards their daughters
- Mothers and daughters are supposed to be best friends
The stereotype of “All mothers should be loving all the time” strips women
of their full humanity. Because women are not given permission to be
full human beings, society feels justified in not providing full
respect, support and resources to mothers.
The truth is that mothers are human beings and all mothers having
un-loving moments. And it’s true that there are mothers who are simply
un-loving most of the time, whether because of addiction, mental illness
or other struggles. Until we are willing to face these uncomfortable
realities the mother wound will be in shadow and continue to be passed
through the generations.
We all have
patriarchy in us to some degree. We’ve
had to ingest it to survive in this culture. When we’re ready to
confront it fully in ourselves, we also confront it in others, including
our mothers. This can be one of the most heart-wrenching of all
situations we must face. But unless we are willing to go there, to
address the mother wound, we are paying a very high price for the
illusion of peace and empowerment.
What is the cost of not healing the mother wound?
The cost of not healing the mother wound is living your life indefinitely with:
- A vague, persistent sense that “There’s something wrong with me”
- Never actualizing your potential out of fear of failure or disapproval
- Having weak boundaries and an unclear sense of who you are
- Not feeling worthy or capable of creating what you truly desire
- Not feeling safe enough to take up space and voice your truth
- Arranging your life around “not rocking the boat”
- Self-sabotage when you get close to a breakthrough
- Unconsciously waiting for mother’s permission or approval before claiming your own life.
What’s the relationship between the mother wound and the divine feminine?
There’s a lot of talk these days about ‘embodying the divine
feminine’ and being an ‘awakened woman.’ But the reality is that we
cannot be a strong container of the power of the divine feminine if we
have not yet addressed the places within us where we have felt banished
and in exile from the Feminine.
Let’s face it: Our first enounter with the Goddess was with our mothers.
Until we have the courage to break the taboo and face the pain we have
experienced in relation to our mothers, the divine feminine is another
form of a fairy tale, a fantasy of rescue by a mother who is not coming.
This keeps us in spiritual immaturity. We have to separate the human
mother from the archetype in order to be true carriers of this energy.
We have to de-construct the faulty structures within us before we can
truly build new structures to hold it. Until we do this we remain stuck
in a kind of limbo where our empowerment is short-lived and the only
explanation for our predicament that seems to make sense is to blame
ourselves.
If we avoid acknowledging the full impact of our mother’s pain on our lives, we still remain to some degree, children.
Coming into full empowerment requires looking at our relationship
with our mothers and having the courage to separate out our own
individual beliefs, values, thoughts from hers. It requires feeling the
grief of having to witness the pain our mothers endured and processing
our own legitimate pain that we endured as a result. This is so
challenging but it is the beginning of real freedom.
Once we feel the pain it can be transformed and it will cease creating obstacles in our lives.
So what happens when women heal the mother wound?
As we heal the mother wound, the power dynamic is increasingly resolved
because women are no longer asking one another to stay small to ease their own pain.
The pain of living in patriarchy ceases to be taboo. We don’t have to
pretend and hide behind false masks that hide our pain under a facade of
effortlessly holding it together. The pain can then be seen as
legitimate, embraced, processed and integrated and ultimately
transformed into wisdom and power.
Once women increasingly process the pain of the mother wound, we can
create safe places for women to express the truth of their pain and
receive much needed support. Mothers and daughters can communicate with
one another without fear that the truth of their feelings will break
their relationship. The pain no longer needs to go underground and into
shadow, where it manifests as manipulation, competition and self-hatred.
Our pain can be grieved fully so that it can then turn into love, a
love that manifests as fierce support of one another and deep
self-acceptance, freeing us to be boldly authentic, creative and truly
fulfilled.
When we heal the mother wound, we begin to grasp the stunning degree
of impact a mother’s well-being has on the life of her child, especially
in early childhood when the child and mother are still a single unit.
Our mothers form the very basis of who we become: our beliefs start out
as her beliefs, our habits start out as her habits. Some of this is so
unconscious and fundamental, it is barely perceptible.
The mother wound is ultimately not about your mother. It’s about embracing yourself and your gifts without shame.
We address the mother wound because it is a critical part of
self-actualization and saying YES to being the powerful and potent women
that we are being called to become. Healing the mother wound is
ultimately about acknowledging and honoring the foundation our mothers
provided for our lives so that we can then fully focus on creating the
unique lives that we authentically desire and know we are capable of
creating.
Benefits of healing the mother wound:
- Being more fluent and skilled in handling your emotions. Seeing them as a source of wisdom and information.
- Having healthy boundaries that support the actualization of your highest and best self
- Developing a solid “inner mother” that provides unconditional love, support and comfort to your younger parts.
- Knowing yourself as competent. Feeling that anything is possible, open to miracles and all good things
- Being in constant contact with your inner goodness and your ability to bring it into everything you do
- Deep compassion for yourself and other people
- Not taking yourself too seriously. No longer needing external validation to feel OK. Not needing to prove yourself to others.
- Trusting life to bring you what you need
- Feeling safe in your own skin and a freedom to be yourself.
- So much more…
As we engage in this healing process, we slowly remove the thick fog
of projection that keeps us stuck and can more clearly see, appreciate
and love ourselves.
We no longer carry the burden of our mother’s pain and keep ourselves small as a result.
We can
confidently emerge into our own lives,
with the energy and vitality to create what we desire without shame or
guilt, but with passion, power, joy, confidence, and love.
For every human being, the very first wound of the heart was at the
site of the mother, the feminine. And through the process of healing
that wound, our hearts graduate from a compromised state of
defensiveness and fear to a whole new level of love and power, which
connects us to the divine heart of Life itself. We are from then on
connected to the archetypal, collective heart that lives in all beings,
and are carriers and transmitters of true compassion and love that the
world needs right now. In this way, the mother wound is actually an
opportunity and an initiation into the divine feminine. This is why it’s
so crucial for women to heal the mother wound: Your personal healing
and re-connection to the heart of life, by way of the feminine, affects
the whole and supports our collective evolution.
© Bethany Webster 2013
FONTE: http://womboflight.com/2014/01/18/why-its-crucial-for-women-to-heal-the-mother-wound/
